IRONIC TESTIMONY
by Scooby Snack, M.Ed.
I am a teacher and I spend most of my free time doing three things. I talk. I spend money on things that look nice. I watch TV.
When I find time to get active, it’s only when there’s someone there to talk to about what was on last night – like at the “Y”. Plus, it’s a good idea to appear to care about your body… regardless of what you put into it when the shades are drawn. Does my butt look big? If I didn’t stay on top of my shows, I’d have so little to talk about at school that it could get really boring there.
When I get bored, I begin to think about my life. When I think about my life, I feel like an idle loser and a hypocrite. When I feel like a hypocrite, I start remembering sermons and am filled with guilt. Then, I’m back in the car heading to the A-B-C store or that house that my friends told me about where they never tell what you’re up to. Then I have to call in sick the next day. It’s just not worth it. As long as the TV’s on, nothing can touch me.
It is deeply important to me that I stay right on top of breaking news regarding which challenger will be the next American Idol. Those people are so talented, so well-dressed, and their lives are much more interesting than my own…at least it looks like they are. I know it sort of flies right in the face of my religious behaviors to become addicted to something that doesn’t accomplish anything, help anyone, or educate me as a thinking, feeling individual appreciably. But no one’s really paying much attention to whether I adhere to those commandments anyway, so whuttheheck? I’ve been lying, cheating, coveting, and bearing false witness for years and no one that anyone listens to knows a thing about it. What matters is how things appear, not how they are. I’ve even got my preacher snowed. If no one catches me on camera, I didn’t do it. PROVE I DID. Man, I feel just like I’m on C.S.I. talkin’ like that!
I choose my friends carefully. I cleave to those who can talk TV and never ask questions about tough topics like ‘Truth’, ‘Sacrifice’, ‘Civics’, ‘Patriotism’, ‘spiritual authenticity’, or ‘teaching techniques’. What other way is there to have something breezy to talk about at work every day and never ruffle any feathers? I refuse to sacrifice one vertical inch of this hard-won social status I’ve carved for myself in the community. It’s a lot of work to delude the inattentive and unquestioning into believing that I do what I do at school “for the children”, that I love God with my whole heart (look at the gold cross around my neck), and am fair and balanced in my attitudes toward things affecting the lives of others. Smell the sweat.
Without sucking-up to those in positions of power, I might be revealed as the ignorant slacker I am. Only kids should be called such a thing. As for grown-up people like me, we’re ‘convincing’. I’ve learned that as long as you tell people what they want to hear, they will think you’re their friend. Brown-nosing is high-art and you can call me ‘Da Vinci’.
With all the entertaining violence, bed-hopping, wise guys getting away with crime, political spin, ‘tomatoes’ shakin’-that-thang to eyeball on cable, and things to eat and buy, I’m just glad that we’re not back in the 70’s with only three channels (well, four, if you could stomach educational programs) to choose from. It’s just too depressing to think about! No thanks.
Heck, back then in the pre-cable days, you sometimes had to settle for your own company, or actual news, when things got lean. Back then, people at work would prattle on about things that put you on the spot; things like “Nixon”, “paths to peace”, “racial tolerance”, “government corruption”, “where our taxes are going”, “the Christian Life”, “who’s full of hot air”, “walking one’s talk”, and things like that. PASS THE TYLENOL!
(Sort of) like Mark Twain said, “It’s better to talk about TV shows and appear stupid, than to open one’s mouth about something that actually matters and remove all doubt.” I hate being wrong, so I go there as seldom as possible. Plus, if I learned something new, I might have to make up new lesson plans and stuff. Why bother?
Thinking is painful. I’ve found that sometimes when I express an opinion, people actually have the nerve to ask me why I feel that way. Imagine that! Me. A teacher having to debate a viewpoint? Yeah, right. I don’t know about you, but that kind of talk requires that I actually defend my opinions with facts, which is hard. ‘Knowing the facts’ requires time and research; two things that my favorite TV shows don’t spoon-feed me. People are only supposed to deal in fact and clarity when they’re students or liberals. I am neither. I am an island among islands.
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I sometimes get all fired-up - usually when I’m sober or when my “pain killers” run out - and feel as though I could be doing something meaningful and authentic with my life outside of work. But that takes imagination and commitment. I stopped fussing with that jazz ages ago. And how could I ever stay on top of my shows if I were actually off the recliner living life? It’s not as though they’re on during my planning periods. I’d miss so much.
After all, the only opinions I’m interested in being associated with are those shared by the majority of socially-powerful and well-heeled people in my community. Popularity is tough to keep afloat when you start strolling down some ‘narrow path’. No thanks. The last thing I want is for some hard-core spiritual freak to start pointing out that my lifestyle doesn’t jive with what people see me doing when I’m all decked-out on Sunday morning.
It’s taken years for me to convince this town that I’m serious about God - and I’ll murder anyone who tries to knock me off this pedestal I’ve erected for myself and my family. Even if someone can back it up with hard-evidence and witnesses. I’ve got until I die to repent, and if I did stop sinning today, I’d lose out on all the fun things I like to do and spend money on here on the temporal plane. I just hope I don’t get creamed by the UPS truck or someone doing the 45MPH cellphone-shuffle before I’ve really made up my mind about salvation and Jesus and all that stuff.
Plus, there’s a game on.
